Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.