Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.