when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.