This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.