My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.