My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me, flirting😏
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket