Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low