Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer