I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…