I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
definitely did not do anything wrong
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”