Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
🤣could you imagine
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday