me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
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No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years