let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
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Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”