I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
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I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Don’t make me out nice you.