[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.