I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
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If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.