Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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Did I do this right
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys