A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I see your IQ test came back negative
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not