Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Mhm.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.