I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.