The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Good morning.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Oh we’ve met.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU