I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.