I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
They’re called werewolves.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.