I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants