There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
You’ll be OK
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?