A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
You Might Also Like
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
People who hate candy corn love telling you.