Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Taking phone security to the next level.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
our love story in four pictures
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political