I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.