I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
this article brought to you by lions
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
they should invent a rest for the wicked