MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
This is amazing.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
March 16
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines