The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
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I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
the three branches of government
My boss called in sick of me
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.