To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted