I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
You Might Also Like
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?