Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.