*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
You Might Also Like
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.