Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
You Might Also Like
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much