[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
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By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
some things should go without saying
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction