“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
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This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive