These dogs look like they have good credit.
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When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
you stereotypes are all alike
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.