I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
this chia pet tastes awful
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts