Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
😂🤣😂🤣
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem