He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
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I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe