If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
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People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
pizza
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.