“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Perfect.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew