*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.