The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Incredible customer service.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket