Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
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For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.