Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark