“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it