I will never stop laughing at this
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.